Expeditions into Faith

I'd heard mixed reviews of the Alpha course. In its original form, it had a reputation for pushing an uncompromising brand of evangelical christianity which scared off as many people as it attracted. But many churches from across the spectrum have found it a useful resource to adapt to their own needs - now there's even a Catholic Alpha. It's certainly successful, and claims significant numbers of converts. For me, its popularity and methodical approach were the main attractions. Over the last few months, I've been approaching Christianity from a rather unusual angle, and I felt it was time to take a cold hard look at the solid core of Christian teaching. Perhaps Alpha would give more of a structure to my thoughts about Christianity, and act as a useful counterbalance to any warm fuzzy ideas I might have picked up from liberal christian friends.

Now I've seen the Alpha phenomenon at first hand, it's hard to say whether I'm disappointed or pleasantly surprised. From everything I'd heard, I expected the course to be as slick, effective and unimaginative as its marketing - a production-line for transforming fashionably skeptical Young People(TM) into trendy Christians just buzzin' with the Spirit. In fact, it was pretty much like any other Church group. We were a small, friendly group of predominantly women, and I was the only non-Christian there.

On the one hand, it was clear from the outset that these were not the scary biblical fundies I'd expected. There wasn't going to be any hell-fire, any gay-bashing, and certainly no risk of speaking in tongues. One woman even asked with some trepidation if we were "all powerfully believing Christians", and was deeply relieved to find that we weren't. The vicar, leading the session, was an intelligent and compassionate man who actively encouraged "honest doubt". On the other hand, it quickly became apparent that this was unlikely to be the structured taught course in Christian basics I'd been expecting.

In the first part of the session, we watched a videoed lecture by Nicky Gumbel, rector of Holy Trinity Brompton and the creator of Alpha. This was the first time I'd heard this well-known preacher, and he was certainly engaging, with a personal and humorous style. However, I was less impressed with his train of argument. The first concern he addressed was the textual transmission of the New Testament - an interesting academic subject, but not first in the mind of most doubters. He appeared to think that possible changes in the biblical text were the only reason one might doubt the Bible. He didn't address the possibility that the gospels could have been inaccurate from the beginning; nor did he consider the claims of other religions - such as Islam, which can put forward at least as good a case for accurate transmission of its holy book. The rest of the points he made were relevant and interesting - did Jesus claim to be God? Was Jesus insane? Why was the tomb empty? - but there was no time for him to really discuss these questions. Instead, he 'answered' them with biblical passages, as if the case for biblical inerrancy had already been made.

Maybe it was inevitable in half an hour that he would raise more questions than he could answer; perhaps that was the job of the discussion afterwards. But I got the distinct feeling that the creators of Alpha knew they would be preaching to the converted. Consulting my handy green course-book, I saw that the third talk in the series (which usually lasts ten to fifteen weeks) is 'How can I be sure of my faith?' - a question hardly likely to arise in a group of atheists! By the fifteenth week, Gumbel and co. are confidently predicting speaking in tongues and healing through prayer. The posters offer an exploration of 'the meaning of life', but there was nothing in this course to suggest why anyone should look for personal meaning in religion.

Since most of the others were churchgoers to a greater or lesser extent, and most had attended an Alpha course before, we quickly moved on from discussing the questions raised in the video. Nevertheless, the discussion gave me an insight into mainstream anglicanism. Most of the people there were what you might call 'rank and file' Christians - sincere in their faith, but cautious of academic theology and charismatic zeal alike. None of them had unanimously churchgoing families and none denied that they had doubts and 'gaps' in their faith; their faith was something personal and important to them.

My final verdict? If the only thing putting you off Alpha is the fear of forced conversion, find a small church and give it a go - you're just as likely to get a glass of wine and a friendly chat. If you want a thought-provoking course in Christian basics for non-christians, Alpha may be a disappointment. If you're looking for the meaning of life... you're unlikely to find it on a DVD.

In my last post, I said that I'd been challenged to observe one day of Ramadan. I agreed to do a day of fasting near the end of the month, when the days are at their shortest and so the fast is easier. I had no worries about going without food, but it wasn't until the morning of the allotted day (Thursday) that I was finally resolved to go the whole way and give up fluids too. I didn't mention this to my Muslim friend, though, in case I had to go back on it. I normally drink a lot and become very irritable and headachy when dehydrated, so I felt certain I wouldn't be able to last ten minutes without water.

My prediction was very nearly proved correct when I realised, within minutes of getting up, that I had to take my pill and brush my teeth. I'd completely neglected to ask my friend how to cope with this. I managed with about three sips of water. I suspect a strict Muslim would count this as breaking my fast before it had even begun, but it was significantly less than the pint or so I would normally drink before going to work.

From previous experience, I was convinced that I would have a terrible headache and be desparate for a drink by the time I got to work - if I didn't actually collapse by the roadside. But in fact, when I arrived to see half a glass of orange on my desk, I felt absolutely no desire to drink it. I didn't feel any urge to drink or eat all morning. And when chocolates were offered out, I felt completely indifferent towards them - a novel experience for me! Even when I came to break my fast at about 6.45, I felt no urgency about it. I ate a single chocolate biscuit which made me feel completely satisfied (although in the end I decided it was most sensible to eat a proper evening meal anyway).

I can only assume that my lack of appetite or thirst was because I had nothing to drink or eat when I got up. My friend told me that he never gets up before dawn during Ramadan, since a normal breakfast prepares the body to expect food, by stretching the stomach and increasing the metabolism; still, I was amazed at the extent to which my body adapted. It also seemed to help that I had a particular aim and a sense of purpose.

In fact, the fasting seemed at first to have a beneficial effect on me. Free from my habitual constant desire for food and drink, and without my regular caffeine fixes, I felt more focussed and more aware than usual. Even in the evening, I felt very peaceful and relaxed. When I went after work to pick up tickets for a concert, and found there was only one ticket reserved for two of us, I took it with unprecedented equanimity.

There was a down-side, however. In the afternoon, I started to feel very sleepy and less able to concentrate, and had to drink the half-glass of orange to make me feel more alert. I had been playing about on the internet and even closed my eyes for a while, something I would never normally do at work. I can only assume that my sense of equanimity and indifference had gone too far and had started to affect my inhibitions.

I'm not sure it would be healthy or sensible to do it for a whole month, but I was genuinely surprised at the sense of wellbeing it gave me. As the time for breaking the fast came closer, I also felt a sense of fellowship with Muslims, knowing we were thinking about the same thing. Islam so often seems very alien, and it was valuable to be able to bridge that gap.

I've also learned something about the idea of overcoming attachment to the world. I had always assumed that extreme fasting of this kind was some kind of macho-masochism, borne out of a hatred of the world and a desire to punish the body. I was skeptical of the idea that one can or should find peace by overcoming cravings and desires, imagining that it would be a constant struggle and would deprive one of perfectly natural and harmless pleasures. Now I think I can see what attracts some people to this kind of life. The impartiality that I felt towards food was not contempt or aversion or lack of interest; when I ate my chocolate biscuit it was a very real pleasure. But not eating it might well have been equally pleasant.

But enough of the mystical stuff. My next foray into the world of faith will be quite different: Alpha.